if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
