She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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