You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
