I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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