Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
