Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed