that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
