4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
My pussy is not your playground.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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