just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize