The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
