my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
