he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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