So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I looked at my own cervix.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
