do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I think a kid would responsible me up
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
