he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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