marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Watching her eat just hurts me
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
