well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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