I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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Randomize
