What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
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