Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
