I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
