Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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