I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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