naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
