2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
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