I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
