I think I won the penis lottery.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
