how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
