Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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