So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
