Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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