I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
