if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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