nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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