1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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