Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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