Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
