just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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