Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
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The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
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My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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