you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
