girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
