I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
