I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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