sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
sex in a hospital.. check
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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