Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
