it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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