i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
