This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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