I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They took my balls.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
