Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
