Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
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I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize