Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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