dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize