i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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