Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
