Your mouth is God's brothel.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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