where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
